Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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