I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
