Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
