I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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