I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
