I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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