im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
