Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize