Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize