One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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