after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
i black out too much to be "responsible"
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
