Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
