and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
