The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
