I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
