i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
