All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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