at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
