True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
