i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
