god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
