I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize