if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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