lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
