I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
