Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
