What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize