Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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