my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
