The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
