do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
