His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
