Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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