He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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