I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
