I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
