I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
