So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize