my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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