Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
