My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
