Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
