I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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