You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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