I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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