So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
