can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
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