Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
