OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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