I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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