At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just blew my weed a kiss
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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