I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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