I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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