my vag is so smooth its legendary
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
