I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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