captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
how do flat chested girls get laid?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
