Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
