On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
