I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
