I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
