I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
