the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My dick has a subreddit
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
