yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
North Korea, Best Korea!
Too much gin, very little bucket
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
