I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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