I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
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